I Always Wanted To
by Nicole Hanratty
Every morning I wake up, run to the mirror and check to see if it is finally visible and obvious! But each day, I walk away confused and wondering why there is nothing noticeably different about me.
It has to be a mistake. Or, maybe, other people can see it and I just can’t. There absolutely must be some type of sign on my forehead that reads, “Hey Strangers! Please tell me everything you have always wanted to do, but never have!”
Not a day goes by when I don’t hear the phrase, “I always wanted to...” followed by some either crazy unattainable dream or a pragmatic realistic goal that this person has never gone after. I could be in line buying a cup of coffee and an absolute stranger behind me will comment that she likes my shoes. Before I can say thank you, she is sharing how if she had to do it all over again, she would have finished getting her college degree before she became pregnant and had her three kids. Hello! Did I ask?
I think I am beginning to realize how my friend S feels, when we assault her with dreams at dinner parties for her to analyze. Yes, it is her field of study and profession. But maybe she doesn’t really want to know that much about us, especially on her day off.
Maybe I just have the type of face that screams, “Share your deepest desires with me!” Or, could it be that my eyes leak out the truth that I too have started a lot of things in my life that I’ve never finished? Either way, the list of things I hear about is endless.
People’s wish lists wake me from my sleep. “I always wanted to...
Have a dog...Get up the nerve to put that woman in her place...Elope...Be brave enough to leave the kids and travel...Wear a skirt like that...Drive a car like that...Write a book...Start my own business...Go shopping there...Be that organized...Pull off that style...Learn how to play the piano...Be the kind of girl who looks good in anything she puts on...Have that hair color...Try that drink...Know how to use the computer better...Be that creative...Take my kids there...Have a second honeymoon...Go to college...Go back to work...Take a photography class...Read that book...Work with kids...Volunteer at an animal shelter...Open up my own boutique...Learn to paint...Be the type of person who reads the paper every day...Live in an ashram...”
Their thoughts swirl around in my head as I try to figure out why they never have accomplished these things. Because I think that if I can figure them out, then I will in turn figure myself out as well.
What keeps us from just doing the things we have always wanted to do? Why don’t any of us realize that life is so short and each and every day could be our last?
Here are my best guesses at why: We have real lives. There is not enough caffeine in our coffee. We value sleep. We don’t wear capes and are not superhuman. We don’t have access to Bill Gates’ bank account. We have aversions to full body plastic surgery makeovers. The only charity we have time for, is being kind to our family members who are currently pissing us off. If we had three extra hours a week to do anything else, the time would have to be spent in church praying for forgiveness. We are too busy dreaming about the vacation we desperately need. We really just want to retire with lots of stories for our grandkids about all of the things we could have done, if only we had a pair of shoes to walk to school with through the ten feet of snow ten miles uphill both ways. (I always wanted to actually see that route.)
Au revoir for now...n
2008 Copyright Nicole Hanratty
