Moms
Garage Tells All
February/01/2010 11:35 AM Filed in: Humor | Women | Storage | Life Stages | Life of a Rock Star | Nicole Hanratty
Garage Tells All
By Nicole Hanratty
The vast majority of us all start out in the same place post college--renting an apartment and dreaming of the day we will sign our life away to a mortgage and have shelter we can call our own that includes our very own garage. In these youthful and optimistic days, we see a white sparkling clean well-organized space that perfectly fits our car, bicycle, washer and dryer, along with a cabinet that can be used to store a few mementos.
Within days of having the coveted keys to the new front door, we surrender and designate the garage for all of the boxes of things we have accumulated over the years and have no idea what to do with, yet we begged our parents to save. The tennis racket circa 1980s, soccer trophies, the art work from first grade, the notes we passed back and forth to our best friends in junior high school--back when they still called it junior high--fill boxes that we forgot even existed until the day Mom and Dad showed up with them in lieu of a house warming present. They muttered something sweet like, "Here's all your crap," then pulled away faster than Mario Andretti. Read More...
By Nicole Hanratty
The vast majority of us all start out in the same place post college--renting an apartment and dreaming of the day we will sign our life away to a mortgage and have shelter we can call our own that includes our very own garage. In these youthful and optimistic days, we see a white sparkling clean well-organized space that perfectly fits our car, bicycle, washer and dryer, along with a cabinet that can be used to store a few mementos.
Within days of having the coveted keys to the new front door, we surrender and designate the garage for all of the boxes of things we have accumulated over the years and have no idea what to do with, yet we begged our parents to save. The tennis racket circa 1980s, soccer trophies, the art work from first grade, the notes we passed back and forth to our best friends in junior high school--back when they still called it junior high--fill boxes that we forgot even existed until the day Mom and Dad showed up with them in lieu of a house warming present. They muttered something sweet like, "Here's all your crap," then pulled away faster than Mario Andretti. Read More...
Request Responses
October/05/2009 01:39 PM Filed in: Humor | Moms | Fun | Family | Husbands | Satire | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star
by Nicole Hanratty
Over the years, I have learned that a wife and mother's job description really knows no boundaries. Whether it is wiping tushies, refilling kleenex boxes, cleaning up trails of vomit, making costumes, baking cookies, selling raffle tickets, purchasing gifts for random strangers or driving from here to Chicago in search of the right sport shoes, there seems to be no limit of what my loved ones will request of me after they spout the word "Honey" or "Mom."
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change hearing these terms of endearment for anything else in the world. It is the dragged out slow question forming ending to the word "Honey" and "Mom" that gives me pause. Here it comes, what will they ask of me next? Read More...
Buzzwords at Home
April/09/2009 02:31 PM Filed in: Humor | Moms | Husbands | Women | Buzzwords | Life of a Rock Star | Nicole Hanratty
The Time report on the Top Ten Buzz Words for 2008 got me thinking about how these popularized words are impacting my life now in 2009.
10. Topless Meeting
While no one has asked me to turn my phone off in a brainstorming meeting, my husband has strict rules for date night. I am not allowed to text, email, google or twitter, much less take a call. And while I would like to bring my laptop along for quick access to movie times and reviews, restaurant suggestions, access to information that would settle our debate of the evening, and maybe sneak in a blog post while he is paying the bill, my computer is not allowed along either. Some might call this Topless Dating.
9. Tweet
Twitter is at my fingertips 24-7 with my favorite Tweetie iphone app. I can’t leave home or climb in bed without it. My favorite function of Tweetie is the Nearby feature. I love to see who is Tweeting in my neighborhood. Just one year ago, I wouldn’t have even known what the Tweet was going on. Read More...
Spring Break 2009: Staycationing
April/06/2009 10:01 AM Filed in: Vacation | Holiday | Moms | Staycation | Humor | Life of a Rock Star | GG
Staycationing
By GG
It is a glorious, yet rare spring day: 78º in Southern California. The kind of day that makes residents remember why we live here...the kind that makes tourists decide to move here...the kind of day with no sports or activities for my very active family. That is what makes it rare. So rare that it hasn't happened in our always on the go home since November 2008.
When it happened in last fall, we went away on vacation. But this spring, we’re taking the ever-popular “staycation” and today we all slept in--waking up to TV instead of alarm clocks. We marveled at the idea of freedom: there was no need to search for cleats and uniforms, no ice chest to pack, no presents to purchase or wrap. This freedom allowed time to make breakfast in bed for the kids, served on trays filled with French toast, strawberries, bacon and love. (Ok, really they were cookie sheets designed to avoid powdered sugar & syrup landing on their beds, but it was still done with love!) Read More...
Life of a Rock Star Birthday
My sister Gina's birthday was this week and she has been kind enough to share with our readers what a real Life of a Rock Star™ Mom's birthday is all about:
• Get served breakfast in bed. Well, why wouldn't she wake up to her kids and hubby bringing her steaming hot coffee, crunchy toast and not over-cooked-with-a-dash-of-cheese scrambled eggs while she slowly awakens to the beautiful day? Maybe because her sweet hubby doesn't know how to push the 'On' button for the coffee maker--even though she had gotten it all ready the night before--and needed our Life of a Rock Star™ Mom to head down the steps to get the java brewing. "Oh honey, while you're down there can you just get out your special bread, (she has Celiac Sprue), from the freezer 'cause we're not sure where it is?" Then climb back in bed to enjoy your prepared meal. Read More...
• Get served breakfast in bed. Well, why wouldn't she wake up to her kids and hubby bringing her steaming hot coffee, crunchy toast and not over-cooked-with-a-dash-of-cheese scrambled eggs while she slowly awakens to the beautiful day? Maybe because her sweet hubby doesn't know how to push the 'On' button for the coffee maker--even though she had gotten it all ready the night before--and needed our Life of a Rock Star™ Mom to head down the steps to get the java brewing. "Oh honey, while you're down there can you just get out your special bread, (she has Celiac Sprue), from the freezer 'cause we're not sure where it is?" Then climb back in bed to enjoy your prepared meal. Read More...
Fated Nursemaid
January/26/2009 12:54 PM Filed in: Husbands | Sick | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Humor | Satire | Family
by Nicole Hanratty
Before 8 am my fate was clear. With both husband and child home sick, it was evident I would spend the day playing nursemaid.
By midnight last night, with coughing echoing throughout every corner of my house, I knew that my Monday morning routine would never see daylight. My usual route which runs like clockwork every week, (two plus grocery stores, the car wash, the drug store, the dry cleaner, the gas station, the bank, and Coffee Bean), was cancelled. Call my vendors, I’m a no-show today. Read More...
Bernanke On Main Street
October/01/2008 02:50 PM Filed in: Satire | Humor | Life of a Rock Star | Nicole Hanratty | Main Street | Husbands
by Nicole Hanratty
Last Sunday, in an unpredictable turn of events, a Main Street Mom--inspired by none other than Ben Bernanke himself--took over the Command Control Remote in an historic move to seize the malfunctioning operating system and restore a sense of confidence in its ability to proceed fairly.
The acquired asset catapulted her into the position of “Couch Commander,” and there was nothing anyone--not even the House of Representatives--could do to salvage the situation or bail Main Street out of this crisis. Read More...
Summertime Fun
June/20/2008 01:30 PM Filed in: Activities | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Charity | Humor | Satire | Weather
by Nicole Hanratty
How many days, hours or minutes were your kids released from school and let out into the wild before you hammered them down with “The Lecture?” You know the one... “If this is how you’re going to act then I’m signing you up for ____(insert torturous activity, e.g. summer school, macrame, volunteer work)___ and shipping you off to ____(insert undesirable location, e.g. Great Grandma’s house, sleep away camp in Yuma, Arizona)___.
I like to keep a scratch count of how many times during the summer I actually reiterate that lecture. When my scratch count begins to resemble a never-ending picket fence on a long drive in the country, I usually decide it is time for one. I strap on my seatbelt and don’t look back... Read More...
Idol Gives Back Bake Sale
May/21/2008 12:54 PM Filed in: Charity | Bake Sale | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Humor | Satire
by Nicole Hanratty
Today’s school fundraiser is a bake sale for Idol Gives Back. It is a great cause and I am more than happy to tie on my apron and put my over-priced kitchen appliances to work! When I put on my Baker Extraordinaire Chef’s Hat there is no limit to what I can create but the number one request was for home made cupcakes. Read More...
Bedtime Routines
May/15/2008 12:43 PM Filed in: Dogs | Bedtime | Nicole Hanratty | Husbands | Life of a Rock Star | Humor | Satire
by Nicole Hanratty
Ah, bedtime routines. They're not just for newborns...we all have them. In fact, through adulthood, many of us rely upon them to fall asleep and some of us simply can't operate without them.
In my house, I believe that our bedtime routines are so vital that they actually directly affect the cosmic pull of the earth's rotation. I am so superstitious about all of these Ground Hog Day things happening over and over again that I wait for them, watch for them and then, BAM! When they happen, I check them off my list one by one and am slowly reassured that all is right with the world... Read More...
Spring DVD Cleaning
Spring DVD Cleaningby Nicole Hanratty
“My mother made me do it!” I can hear my child years from now relaying the whole incident in the therapist’s office...
Couched Child: “It was spring, 2008. My life was great and I really was so appreciative of everything my parents did for me. I always said thank you and I never asked for things in excess. I had to be, like, the dream child. So this one day, after I had done all of my chores; cleaned my room, made my bed, took out the trash, walked the dog, did the dishes and swept the floor in the kitchen, I thought I would approach my mom in a sweet loving way with a request for a new DVD. There was this movie that I wanted that I was dying to have! I had wanted it my whole life and I really thought that if I caught my mother on a good day she would say yes!” Read More...
Carpool Rules To Drive By
by Nicole Hanratty
Careful all you kiddy carpool drivers there are strict rules that govern these lines and if you break them you risk expulsion!
While they may seem obvious to most of us, occasionally they need to be spelled out clearly (or passed out on fliers) and reviewed so that none of us gets into any trouble for being in violation. Read More...
Spring Break Maui
by Nicole Hanratty
Spring Break 2008 my crew hit Maui taking over every inch of the resort with our commanding presence. With a pail full of prescription drugs, we were a motley crew of three families with more dysfunction than function and we laughed our way through five days of fun.
In true Rock Star fashion, we had private cabanas rented all over the property and squatters who took over them every time we headed for a dip in the pool. Someone call security! “Yes, it’s us again...” Silly me, I always interpreted reserved signs as meaning “Someone Paid a Lot of Money for This Chair” but apparently others see them as “Remove Sign, Move Chair Two Feet and Call It Your Own.” Read More...
Lysol Queen Goes Crazy
February/21/2008 05:28 PM Filed in: Cleaning | Satire | Humor | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Sick
by Nicole Hanratty
Tonight on the eleven o’clock news... After a brutal flu season, a local mother starts out with the intent of sanitizing her home but “allegedly” the fumes go to her head.
(cue music) Good evening everyone!
They’re calling her the “Lysol Queen.” Officers said when they arrived at her home last night the woman admitted to “Lysol”ing her house non-stop for twelve hours straight.
It started with the couch that her husband had been attached to for four days, then she moved on to door knobs, bathroom fixtures, kitchen appliance handles and she couldn’t bring herself to stop. Read More...
Catch Me On a Good Day
by Nicole Hanratty
I would love to tell all of my loyal readers that my life is fabulous every single day and that it is action packed filled with excitement and glamour. Even better would be to tell you all that I wake up every day with a brilliant smile on my face ready to tackle the world. Au contraire, my friends! Au contraire! My life is a polarized fusion of savoir faire and banality.
On any given day you could catch me doing any or all of the following in my husband’s self-envisioned french maid’s uniform: cleaning up the dog’s homemade special gifts left just for lucky me to clean up in the backyard; patronizing not one but three markets I’m required to frequent each week to accommodate the particular appetites/food allergies in my ingredient-challenged family; ironing extra crisp creases in the ever-looming laundry pile; restocking perfumed soaps (melangeapothecary.com) in the washrooms; tackling stacks of mail (i.e. bills) trying to organize my overtaxed desk; running four thousand errands none of which are for my own personal benefit; and carrying around my aforementioned dog who can’t stand to be without me for even a moment while I perform aforementioned chores. Read More...
Living the Life of a Rock Star™
by Nicole Hanratty
Ever wonder why, as a mother, you can spend 20 minutes on a Saturday morning standing in front of your husband and daughter trying to engage in conversation with no response until you walk away to use the bathroom?
“Knock! Knock! Knock!” Someone is pounding on the bathroom door as if it can’t wait.
“Is somebody bleeding?” I holler as I instantly revert back to my camp counselor days.
“No, but I just wanted to tell you Mommy that next week at school I want hot lunch on Tuesday.”
“Okay honey. I’ll jot that down on a tiny piece of toilet paper.”
“Knock! Knock! Knock!”
“Yeeeessss....” Now I have realized my fate.
“Oh, honey, you’re in there,” my husband responds as if he has just discovered me after a long journey.
I mean really, if I’m not in the kitchen or the laundry room, where else would I be? Read More...
